On Fatherhood

it’s funny: 1 of those inane Facebook quizzes got me thinking. is it unnatural for me to be thinking about fatherhood so much? on 1 hand, I’m not even moderately employed, have no sense of a career, cannot even start a romantic relationship, still live with my parents, and am, in certain ways, still a boy myself. then again, I work exceptionally well with children, am an outstanding role model, and am 100% love, care, and dedication.

yesterday, a boy, couldn’t have been more than 3 years old, played Peek a Boo with me on the bus. it was spontaneous. I was lost in my iPod and mulling and suddenly realized what was happening. it, in subtle ways, changed me. later that day, 1 of my high school students came to me and presented 2 of his poems. he talked to me and told me how his family moved to a new house the day before and after all the requisite labor of packing and unpacking, he shut himself in his room and, to relax, wrote poetry. the sentiment moved me — he saw this work as pleasure / escape and, moreso, stepped outside of his comfort zone. he was certainly not a writer or poet when I met him in October 2008.

in some ways, his writing style reminds me of my own. he has an incredibly innate sense of rhyme and rhythm that comes through unconciously. I encourage him at every turn but also admonish him when needed — when he doesn’t have an assignment I asked of him, he avoids me, afeared of my wrath. in a way, he doesn’t want to disappoint me. I told him to share his work with other people, to gather different opinions and reactions other than my own. he told me, in so many words, that he felt most comfortable sharing with me because I am different from everyone else. I’m moulding him.

there’s another student of mine, a few weeks ago, who was eating apple slices and spitting the seeds straight on the floor. I happened to be walking by and, out of reaction, said, what the hell? the disrespect, the act just caught me by surprise. he apparently took it as a hint and starting spitting them into a garbage can. it’s a small gesture, for sure, but perhaps meaningful.

there are other teaching artists working at my school. back when I was only there 2 days a week, the kids would talk about me to the other artists; when I took days off of work, they would ask after me. the lunch room staff has observed this also and have let me know — the kids really are looking forward to my class and make it a point to come to school for it.

I’m generally exceptionally humble (the over the top bravado I often put on is a device to put others at ease) but I’d like to think I’m accomplishing exactly what my job description says I should be: improving students’ attendance and providing an upstanding role model. it’s not just martial arts or even just physical fitness. once I’ve gotten their trust through Tae Kwon Do, I start talking to them about classes and family and girls and college. I connect with them, at first because I didn’t want my supervisor to think I was slacking off for lack of students, but now because I’m generally interested and somewhat invested in their lives.

I met with my little brother last weekend. it was our 4th outing and we, again, went to the park. I don’t personally interact with him as much as I used to, playing games with just the 2 of us. part of the time (about 25%) he plays with the other kids at the park and I supervise. it’s mostly because I don’t have the space nor equipment to really play with him 1-on-1. next time, I’ll have a basketball and we’ll shoot some hoops. on a side note, it’s inutterably refreshing to have a relationship with a 9 year old who doesn’t expect me to do martial arts with him. anyhow, he got me an Easter present. just some chocolate and a card, but Easter was already a week old. it meant that he was thinking about me (fondly) when I wasn’t there. that means a lot. also, when I was leaving, he ran up and hugged me. I hadn’t realized I was making such a positive impact on him. it puts me in a small dilemma because I don’t really feal an emotional connection with him. it’s kind of a 1 way street right now but I … honestly … feign it.